HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
You Might Also Like
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.