[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
🙄😏😂🤣
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’d … I’d rather not.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.