sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You Might Also Like
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Someone just threatened to call me later
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox