Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE