I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
You Might Also Like
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
im all 3
Well, that should do it
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
What the hell happened here.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want