Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket