People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
worst…sale…ever
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
According to math, I’m broke
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.