[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.