Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
it’s finally my moment to shine
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.