wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I have never related to anyone more.