Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.