I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
do u think theres a butter planet?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.