If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it