My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.