me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
How to find Kentucky on a map
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.