Do one person every day that scares you.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years