You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Waiting for the Charmin
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
choose your fighter
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.