Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know