if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Don’t frighten the programmers!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.