her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship