1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My support group can outdrink your support group.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
saving face 👀
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers