Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
😂😂😂😂😂😂