Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m not proud
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I’m giving up for Lent.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.