[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.