*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
This line from Airplane.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.