Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.