[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
#oldknees
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.