Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.