Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
You Might Also Like
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Breaking news:
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*