Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
pictures of spider-man
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”