The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.