Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
the #horror is real!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Stonehinge
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”