PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.