Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?