Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.