reminder
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*