Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
🤣🤣
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.