Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese