Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.