Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.