I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!