Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
CRYING
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.