JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
this is me
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Tier 3 meme
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.