*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.