What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
O Wise One….
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.