This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount