It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me