Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.