Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.