So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.